


my thoughts

by TalkIsOverrated



Category: Original Work
Genre: Depression, Gen, HAHAHAHHAHA, HAPPER?, LOL PLOT TWIST THINGS GET HAPPER, Mental Instability, SUCK ON THAT VICTORIA, Self-Harm, THINKING THAT YOURE STILL DEPRESSED AND YOU STILL HATE YOURSELF IS WHAT GETS ME OFF AT NIGHT, YOU FUCKING CUNT, lol each time i update the number of hits goes up, who even reads this shit?, who the fuck even cares?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2018-12-24 12:08:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 49
Words: 11,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12012399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TalkIsOverrated/pseuds/TalkIsOverrated
Summary: thoughts thoughts and more thoughts





	1. Chapter 1

heyo, readers. it's me again, but im here to say that the story will be discontinued. i thought that writing it all down would help me out, but it is just too hard to think about. it's real, real hard. especially since i just freaking hate and miss her at the same time. she abused me, god dammit. if we had actually been physically near one another, i know that she would've hit me at one point. and, i know for a fact that i still would've come crawling back. now, no matter what, i am not going back to her. hopefully, one day, ill be able to have a relationship. but im too scared to have one now. im too weak to see my entries from when i was so fucked up and suicidal. it's hard, y'know? reading how much your past-self wanted to die because of someone else. in short, victoria was abusive, and im still healing. i cant write this yet. fucking-- so much shit has been happening. i started high school and made some new friends, im losing some friends, and some creep touched me at a festival. not to mention the panic attacks. but, ill be okay. i just have to discontinue, okay? thank you for reading.


	2. Rant.

I know I was in an abusive relationship. Because, I feel abused. I feel hurt and ruined and everything in between. But, I don't feel like a victim. I'm just angry. I'm so fucking angry at life and the people who treated me the way they did. I'm angry at the said person that abused me, angry at my mom for disregarding my depression, angry at my dad for being so fucking hard on me, angry at my friends for ignoring me for new ones, angry at my grades, and angry at myself. Myself. Like, what the fuck am I doing here? Why am I still ranting about my ex? Why the hell don't I just.. confide in somebody? I don't remember the last time I've cried, but I don't remember the last time I haven't wanted to, either. She's gone from my life, yet she's still in my head. I just pray to God she doesn't hurt Hannah the way she hurt me. Nobody deserves to end up like me. I feel broken. I don't remember the last time I was truly, truly happy. Music used to make me happy, but most of my songs were dedicated to her. Yugioh used to make me happy as well. Steven Universe. Singing. And, Victoria herself. I wish this anger would go away. This resentment towards life.. I wish she would take it. All the burdens, all the pain, all her suffering she threw onto my back, I wish she'd just take it all back. I wish I hadn't met her. 7 billion people on this planet, yet the first person I dated just had to be her. I hate, hate, hate this. I want her to leave. Just.. get off the internet. Off the planet. Somewhere where we're sure to never meet. But, even then, it won't be okay. Unless I just forget her completely, things won't ever be okay. I'll never be okay. And the way things are going, I don't know if I'll ever be.


	3. Chapter 3

i know i said i would discontinue this. but, i guess this can be a place for me to write down my thoughts. writing in an actual physical diary is too dangerous. 

i just.. does she even think about me? does she regret what she's done? does she think i was the abuser? does she wish we were back together? i personally don't know what to think. i think about her a lot. its mostly regret, like what the fuck was wrong with me that made me stay so long? what was i thinking? how did i not see what she was doing before? she was the one person around that would make sure i never felt alone. i loved her. one day, she said that she didnt think i loved her. how the hell could she think something like that? she had hurt me, broken me in every possible way imaginable, put me in the fucking hospital, pretended to commit suicide to get a rise out of me (which worked, mind you) and yet, and YET, i stayed. i stayed because i loved her and my reason for staying was greater than my reason for leaving. how the fuck did she not see that? did she forget what she put me through? i shouldve realized right then and there that she didnt deserve me. but i was too far gone. she would get mad at me for every little thing i did. she got upset because i was hanging out with my friend julia. she tried to isolate me, and it worked. i ruined all my relationships so much that she became all i had left. what did i do to her? what the fuck could make her think that i was toxic to the relationship? it was all her abusing me. nothing more than that. i was in pain. im still in pain. meanwhile, i bet shes having the fucking time of her life with her girlfriend. i dont even know if julia likes me anymore. she never invites me anywhere, but of fucking course shes ready for me to invite her to any of my parties. what am i supposed to think? what am i supposed to feel? that im LOVED? that im not ALONE? i dont know how im supposed to be okay. everything just feels so awful. i want somebody to be with and talk to, like i had victoria. but, not as abusive as her. that girl ruined me. but the worst part is, i dont even hate her.


	4. Chapter 4

ahhh, distancing myself from people. though, i guess you cant really expect me to trust that easily. look, im just really, really tired. im tired of people casting me aside for others who are better than me. im tired of thinking about how i was cheated on. always, always thrown aside for somebody cooler, somebody prettier, whatever. im just tired. i dont want people to throw me away anymore. is that really too hard? to have a friend who wont leave? it seems like it, because sooner or later people just leave. god, if only you could know how i felt when i found out. i was browsing julia's tumblr when i found a post that hannah had reposted. i clicked on it and found all the pictures of you two being so happy together. while im off on my own fighting to see you again, to convince them to let me be with you, i find you with freaking hannah. i thought she was just a friend. i really, truly did. it took me a minute to actually believe it. victoria wouldnt do that; she loves me. were going through a battle together thatll eventually be over and we could be together again. do you know how much i begged to call you on your birthday? just one simple call, and they didnt grant it. it broke my heart. you can only imagine how i felt to find you cheating. my whole world crashed, everything i was fighting for just disappeared. you found somebody else. youre too dependent to stay away from a life support for too long, arent you? and hannah, the sweet girl that liked you, actually happened to be close by. it was too good of an opportunity to pass up, wasnt it? so, you just up and left. claiming the relationship to be toxic. claiming to just be "taking a break" and that you werent cheating. guess what, victoria? i was taking a break too. taking a fucking break doesnt have to mean running off with the first reliable person that walks your way. we had to take a break, yes, but you chose to cheat. and you did. if you didnt, my heart wouldnt be so broken. i have nothing against her. how much she likes you is of no concern to me. all that matters is that you decided to throw me away and like her back. and that is why you will always be abusive. youll drain the happiness out of her and then move on to someone else when she has nothing else to give, just like you did to me. i just wonder, how many people will it take before you realize just how much of a fucking monster you are?


	5. Chapter 5

I think I've been doing better. I made some friends, and I have some people to talk to now. Julia and I certainly aren't as close as we used to be--not after the shit she pulled off. I still think she's cool and nice, don't get me wrong, but we're just not close anymore. And that's okay. But that only leaves myself to confide in. And, it kind of helps. Talking to myself is quite invigorating. And, of course, drawing. Drawing is my escape. I've gotten a lot better, and I only seem to be improving as time goes on. I'll upload a picture soon, through Julia's tumblr account. I still think about Victoria, though I have absolutely no clue how she is doing. I hope she's thinking about what she's done to me, so she won't do it to Hannah. I hope she still has regret. I hope she still feels pain and will use it to avoid hurting other people. Abusive people like that need somebody to confide in, and once that person has nothing left to give, she'll move onto somebody else. You know we were happy, Victoria. But the second that happiness was gone, you went and found it in somebody else. How the fuck are you going to keep a relationship if you do something like that to people? These are just the things I think about. But I can assure you: I am doing better. I don't care how you are.


	6. Chapter 6

I find myself feeling more and more isolated. I'm afraid of creating relationships. I think somebody likes me, and I'm trying to like them back, but I just can't. I won't allow myself to. I think about a girl a lot; she has blue hair and wears band shirts and looks like a living tumblr. She's so sweet and a conspiracy genius. But she probably isn't even gay, so I'll just forget her, though.

All relationships, whether it's family, friend, or otherwise--my mind flashes back to the text message that Victoria sent me.  She called me many names that I don't want to think about.  I forgave her, but I never forgot what she called me.  Every time she praised me, I remembered that message where she wrote the exact opposite.  I would always remember, and I still do now.  I shouldn't allow it to make me feel so fucking weak, but I can't help it.  After your love says something like that to you, you're just not the same.  Even after they're gone.  And it terrifies me that I'll never be able to hold a relationship.    
I'm a hopeless romantic.  I love the Princess Bride, I love Will and Elizabeth from POTC, I love Baz and Simon in Carry On, and many more.  I  _want_ that.  I want to love and be loved.  I want somebody to hold me and tell me they care.  But, I was so deep into abuse before, I don't know if I'll see the signs the next time.  God, I don't want another Victoria.  I won't be able to handle that shit again.  Victoria almost killed me.  I almost killed myself because of what she did.  I wanted to die.  And she believes it was just toxic, like I made mistakes too.  What the hell did I do, Victoria?  What made you think that we were toxic to each other?  What, when Hannah kills herself, is that what you're gonna say?  That it was just "toxic?"  You stupid fucking idiot.


	7. Chapter 7

I was the one who held your life together. I stopped you from doing every destructive decision you wanted to make. Or, I tried, at least. There's only so much a person could do halfway across the US. I stopped you from trying alcohol. I tried to stop you from cutting. I did everything for you. I gave every moment of my free time to you and you just wasted it. The minute I was gone, you decided you were done with me. That three years meant nothing to you. I've never wished suicide on anyone before, and I never thought the first would be you. I loved you with every fibre of my being. Now, I wish that you have every regret, every bit of pain that I felt. Now that I'm gone, you don't have much longer left. Nobody will stick with your shit the way that I did, do you realize that? Absolutely nobody will be so naive as to stay with you for three years. Sooner or later, you'll end up alone. And then, you'll die, because a parasite like you needs somebody to depend on for survival. I truly, truly can't wait for the day that finally happens. You'll finally realize how I felt before I was sent off to the hospital. Except, nobody will even want to save you.


	8. The very first happy chapter

OKAY FELLAS. So yesterday was probably one of the greatest days ever. I had perfectly made eggs for breakfast with some yogurt, went to school, and found out I was one of TWO FRESHMAN to get into the next school musical, "Godspell"!! And the one girl I was afraid of going up against didn't even get in, so I was shocked. My voice has really gotten better. Then I went to English. I'm in honors, and it's the easiest thing in the world because I love to read so much. We had a great debate in class and I got to argue with the kid I hate the most, Will. Fuckin hate Will and he got his ass handed back to him. Anyway, later I realized that I had rehearsal my other musical, "21 Chump Street," so I cancelled going on a field trip later that day. The director, Jordan, was so proud that he relayed that back to Mr. Connor, the teacher that runs ACT. 0.0 I feel so proud. So I had lunch, which was freaking delicious, and then went to math. So I'm in honors, and a lot of stuff I don't really understand. BuT TODAY, I UNDERSTOOD EVERYTHING. It was amazing!!! So now I'm at rehearsal, and since I'm a drug dealer in that play, I had to learn to smoke a joint, which was really just a rolled up post-it. When it's time for the actual performance, we're going to be handing the joints out to people in the audience after we smoke them. We just have to make sure we don't hand them to teachers... anyway, I missed the bus, which was BULLSHIT, because I was outside for the 5:30 buses at 5:25, only to find that they were already gone. So I went back inside and went to Zach, everybody's favorite senior buddy, and was all like, "Okay, um.. I know this is a lot to ask, but uh-" "Sure honey, I'll drive you home." So he drove me home because he is a sweETHEART AND I LOVE HIM and then there was a Halloween party!! :0 I went as Maria Reynolds, complete with a bruise over my eye. hOly shit, I've lost so much weight that I actually look good in it. Speaking of losing weight.. so, over the summer, my parents had a goal for me: If I lose 10 pounds, I can go see Hamilton. I fucking worked my ass off. I ran every day. I could run 4 miles without stopping. I got so many muscles, it was insane. SO GUESS WHO SAW THE 8:00 SHOW ON WEDNESDAY?!?! THIS GAL! WE GOT CHEAP SEATS, AND TEHY WERE SO FUCKING CLOSE TO THE STAGE, I THOUGHT I DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN. Hamilton was amazing. The choreography was my favorite, believe it or not. But... King George.. you sassy bitch.. I love you.. bittcchh... and it was so sad after Say No to This. After Alex handed James the muns, Maria tries to go back to Alex but JAMES SLAPS SOMETHING TO CALL HER BACK AND SHE FREAKING WHIMPERS. THEN HE GOES UP AND HITS HER???? So then James walks offstage and she stares at him for a bit longer before finally going off herself. And guess who I saw?? :3 Thayne Jasperson.. ugsiaodhgasopgnaog he has huge ass muscles and suddenly I think I'm bisexual. AND JAVIER WAS A SEXY BEAST AS USUAL. AND UGHN, JOHN LAUREN'S ACTOR. But the real star of the attractive show? Maria Reynolds/Peggy. I got signatures on my playbill from all of them. Speaking of Mario, back to the Halloween party. Julia was Bob Ross, and Michelle was Heather Duke. ZACH WAS DOROTHY FROM THE WIZARD OF OZ??? It honestly wasn't the greatest costume, but he totally rocked it. I love Zach. Everyone had so much fun at this party. You'll never see anyone scream Lady Gaga songs, Hamilton songs, and Kinky Boots songs and louder than the freaking drama club. So it's never a Halloween party without a costume contest, right? So there was an award for Worst Costume, and it went to this kid dressed as Sasuke. And JOE, THe PRESIDENT, ANNOUNCED, "I'D LIKE TO GIVE THIS TO THIS KID, BECAUSE ANIME FUCKING SUCKS AND DOES NOT BELONG HERE." The kid was all, "You GUYS ALL SUCK DICKS." And walked away. We played a Kahoot full of questions about past musicals that none of the freshman would ever understand, and the entire house was just a mess of screaming children. At one point I was singing and dancing "Candy Store" and Zach suddenly sCREMED, "YAAAAAS JAYA, THAT'S MY BABE!" And other people chimed in, "I'M IN THE MUSICAL WITH HER!" and, "FUCKING LOVE YOU JAYA!" And people were coming to hug me so I just did a really lopsided smile and a thumbs up because I didn't know what else to do. That party was so much fun, and I took so many pictures. I loved it all. These are the type of people I need in my life. People who are nothing but supportive all the time. I love my acting group.


	9. Happiness

I guess I've finally achieved happiness.  I still have dark thoughts from time to time, but then again, who doesn't?  I'm surrounded by friends.  I'm still at a point where I don't like my mom, but that's being fixed.  Slowly, slowly, everything is a process.  I'm healing.  That's still a process.  But, I know I am happy.  I love and I am loved.  Does anything matter more than that?  I've been staring so hard at a computer that the real world was just passing me by.  Now, I see everything.   I am a part of everything.  It's almost invigorating.  I love this world, and I love my life.  And the best part is, I know I have earned this.

Hey, Victoria.  The number of reads goes up all the time, so I can only assume that it's you.  How are you?  Still depressed and anxious, I bet.  Why are you here?  Focus on fixing your own life.  Hannah is only going to spiral down my path if you date her in your mental state.  She doesn't deserve this.  She's too sweet to deserve the way I felt when I was with you.  Fix yourself, then make others happy.  If you can't do that, I don't know what to tell you.  People will suffer.  I don't give a damn about what happens to you, but if I can stop you from hurting somebody else because of your infectious depression, I will try my hardest to do so.  


	10. MY CRUSH?????

Oh my fucking god, my crush is coming over this weekend thank g od shes a GIRL so my mom wont be like "Ummm??? is this a date or something??"   HAA BEing A leSBIAN IS AMAZ I N G anyway i was all like,, "Hey babe, you wanna hang out this Saturday?"  And she was alll like, "Sure, babe."  And I was all like(TO mySELF,) 'Ahhh, the lovely torture of pretending we're dating and only being able to imagine that its real..' so I said, "y-y-y-y-y--y-eahh.. ill see you later i guesss.... baka..." im just KIDDING I DID NOT SAY THT IM NOT A WEABOO FUCKER.  Okay so cuT TO TODAY.  i even shaved my legs for this bitch.  and i washed my hair.  and i got my nails done.  jessu christo, its not even a d ATE.  She's coming so we can practice for our dance audition for the next school play, Cinderella.  But I totes mgotes had a panic attack(tm) yesterday and freaked out and went t o her and she said "shh shh its okay breathe i love you."  and i dont know if she really meant it or not but i started crying even hARDER and i was like "i love you too" and i could honestly stare at that fucking message all day, i love her so much.  she makes me feel so weirdly complete.  and, im fine with the way things are now, honestly.  i say sweet things to her, and she says sweet things back and only pretends to mean it.  truth is, im a bit scared of dating.  but i know i want to be with her.  and if this is all i can get, it's still enough.

anYWAY, on thursday my good buddy ZACCHH overheard the conversation and he said, "JAAAYAAAA <3<3<3" And he went up and hugged me and then whispered, "tell me how things go, honey.  you two were meant to be girlfriends." and fuccing kisses me on the cheek and i look at him and give him the, "I WILL MAKE YOU PROUD" look and he just winsk and walks off and god he is so GAY and i AM ALSO SO GAY and GOD I HOPE SHE IS GAY TOO 


	11. Everybody sing it with me:  My crush is a straight girl!! <3

FUCK FUCK FUCKF UCJK FUCK FUCK FUCKF UCKF UVL FUCK FUCKFU CK FUCK FUC KF UCUKF CUK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUC FK CUK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKF UCKF UCKFUC KU FUCK FUCFK UCI

 

thIS HAPPENS EVERY FUCCIN TIME I TRY TO LIKE SOMEBODY, THEY PULL SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THIS

 

SO I CALLE DUP MY BUDDY ZACH, AND HE WAS LIKE, "NOOO LOVEBUG, I LOVE YOU, DATE ME."  AND I WAS LIKE, "I LOVE YOU TOO, SURE LETS DATE." AND THEN WE START LAUGHING AND HTEN I START LAUGHING AND CRYING BECAUSE MY CRUSH SAYS SHES ONLY GAY FOR THE FUN OF IT.  ONLY GAY FOR THE FUN OF IT?? BEING GAY AIN'T FUN, YOU FUCKING BITCH.  AND SHE LETS ME SIT ON HER LAP AND WE HOLD HANDS AND SHIT AND THEN SHE PULS THAT??????? FINE.  Y'KNOW WHAT?? FINE.  ILL GO EAT SOMEBODY ELSE'S ASS.  SEE YA LATER.

 

i love you.


	12. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST FORGET EVERYTHING I JUST SAID

11/26/2017

SHE LIKES ME SHE LIESK MESHE LIKES ME SHE LIEKS ME SHE LIKES ME

SHE STRAIGHT UP FUCKING TOLD ME

I ASKED HER, "BUT YOU SAID YOU WERE STRAIGHT????"

AND SHE WENT, "SEXUALITY IS CONFUSING."

AND IM LIKE "OH"

AND SHE SAID SHE LIKES MY THICC THIGHS AND IM LIKE, "BUT I HATE MY THIGHS" AND SHES LIKE, "NO YOU BITCH, IF YOU EXERCISE THEM OFF IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU."

SHE SAID SHES AFRAID OF DATING

I AM TOO

SO WE'RE JUST... LIKING EACH OTHER

AFRAID TO DO ANYTHING

HOLY FUCHING SIHTS IHSODHFOIAHGAOHAUHG SHE LIEKES ME SHE LIIESME

I LOVE YOU TOO, BABY

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!


	13. everythign you need to know about my fycking dank ass girlfoind

okay, literally wtf?? my girl is so good???? i went into school two days ago with my hair all curled (totally not to look good for her, you fucking idiot adhvffcd) and waited for her to notice. of course this DUMMY didnt notice it in class so i vowed never to look good for her again.. baka.. until AFTER SCHOOL when she suddenly fuckign reaches out and touches my hair and is just like "ooh your hair is so pretty" and i just aaaaaaaaaaa she fuckig TOUCHED ME AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA N I C E AAAAA oksy NEXT DAY which is TODAY hehe she just fuvkin... puts her arm around me... inconspicuously.. fsrvrunyyw the teacher, Connor is just staring like ????? Do I detect hOMOSEXUALS??? but nah pretty much everyone in his club is some form of gay lolololol ANYWAY she keeps looking at me and i can see and when i look she just smiles that disgustingly beautiful smile of hers and suddenly BAM. my breakfast-ridden stomach growls and fuck duci fucl guck guckk fuccvkkkkj she backs away abd im like "IM SORRY IM SORRY I JUST DIDNT EAT BREAKFAST IM SORRY" and then she does a CONCERN and says "babe.. you gotta eat.." and im like ??? i just had the loudest nuclear stomach growl in the history of ever and you aint disgusted??? bitch... i love you... SO AFTER SCHOOL WAS CINDERELLA AUDITIONS!! I'm practicing my song when she fuckugn comes up from behind and hugs me and goes, "your voice is so pretty.. can i just hug?" and we just stay there and im grossly hunched over. im sure my shirt is riding up and she can see all my gross stomach flab but i dont care?? thats new.. until suDDEnLY SHE STARTS AGGRESSIVELY BOOPING MY NOSE AND IM LIKE "HEYY!!" and she goes, "BOOP TO SAVE A LIFE! BOOP TO SAVE A LIFE!" And im just screaming and doing my gross giggle and shes just pushing me over with boops and at one point shes LEANING OVER ME JESUS SHIT and then later we're just.. straight up holding hands and friends are like "haha thats pretty gay" and we're just???? lmaooo, we are,,, and then she has to leave so we hug again and xejbrjnetgw she FUCKING KISSES MY CHEEK HOLYNFGIXDHMSHBEHBSHH TODAY WAS A GREAT DAY!!


	14. Chapter 14

give me a real kiss next time, you dork.


	15. literally right after the last chapter

so you know how i wrote that i wanted her to give me an actual kiss?

today she kissed me direCTLY ON MY FUCKIGN CHEEK ASHfIOWEUHWRUGGH

and you know how I reacted??

I was like, "bitch waht the fuCK DID YOU JUST DO???????"  
And she was like, "I kissed your cheek lmao"

 

And I push her the fuck away and im like, "get the fuCK AWAY FROM ME BITCH GO GO SHOO I LOVE YOU SHOOOOO"

and shes just this sassy funny baby so she's like, "love you too, bye"

 

awohjfahg

i go ta kISS  
on mY CHEEK   
YAAAAAAAAAYYY


	16. lmao im a clueless fuck

Hello there! Sorry I haven't been posting lately, I've been DEATHLY SICK WITH THE FLU HAVING A TEMP OF 102 DEGREES AND A MIGRAINE EQUIVALENT TO A WOMAN IN LABOR. GOD I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN. END IT NOW, PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU, PL- anyway, I am doing much better now, thank you for asking. Here are the news! My ACT group will be performing at a home for army veterans, and we'll be singing holiday cheer! Speaking of the holidays, my fucking extra mom bought a 10 foot tall tree. TEN. FOOT. fucking extra. and, ACT is invited to watch ELF at Joe's house!! I'll just be... sittin on my girlfriend's lap the entire time holy shit yaaasssss. I HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN 5 DAYS BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SO SICK AND I WILL SEE HER TOMORROW I CAN'T WAIT YAAAAYYY!! Love y'all, bye!


	17. LMAO AN HONORARY BIRTHDAY CHAPTER

HEY Y'ALL!!! YA GAL IS TURNIN' 15 TODAY!!!  
  
Let me tell y'all how life has been.

I got so many hugs today, especially from Anthony who loved my shirt, lmao he kept playing with it and was like, "I appreciate this.. it's so pretty.." and I'm ready to CRY because I LOVE HIM MORE THAN I LOVE MYSELF.  And, mind you, I love myself very much.

Michelle is sick rn, but she refuses to stay home because she's an all honors student and can't afford to miss a day.  So I was just.. holding her hand all the time and her hands were so cold AAAA-- by the way, she has these super rough but also super soft hands and they're just... lesbian hands.  Even if she's bicurious, she has the most beautiful lesbian hands in the world.  In acting together, we wrote a script where she was a Chinese immigrant and I was a news reporter asking her about life in the USA.  She kept screaming shit like, "AMERICA IS WORST COUNTRY.  AMERICANS LIKE DIRT CAKED ON BOOT.  COMMUNISM FOREVER!!!"  And I just........ I love her....... I want to kiss her so badly but she is SICK and I just got over a MASSIVE FLU ATTACC so I can't kiss her yet.  But man, I have my fucking mistletoe and I am ready to rock and roll.  The event was cancelled, btw.  The ACT one?  It's this Friday now.  I WILL FUCKING SIT ON HER LAP AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME.  Oh, so I posted on my facebook that anyone who bought me mac and cheese for my birthday would become my best friend, but none of these actual assholes actually bought me any.  THEY CAN ALL EAT ASS AND--

anyway, I made it on the honor roll!!!  My hard work in class has been paying off!  I can actually spend time at home working instead of having to deal with a nuisance now, lmao I had to deal with that fucking disappointment for three years but now it's GONE AND I'M SO HAPPY!!  I love my girlfriend, I'm in a play, I got a ride home from my buddy Nathan (I love him) and all is going mighty swell!!  Love you guys!!


	18. may sound sexual, but it's not, i swear

I want to touch my girlfriend.

Not in THAT way, of course.  I mean I want to hold her hand.  And hug her.  And kiss her.  Or just simply touch her shoulder.  Anything!  

I'm too scared she'll push me away and not accept it.  I mean, she touches me whenever she feels like it.  She puts her arm around me, she kisses my cheek every day after class, and she even touches my leg from time to time which makes me freak out but she's just indifferent.  It's weird, I'm the first person she's ever dated, but she's just so confident.  I can't even touch her, but I want to.  I can't find the confidence yet.  I'm just so scared she will reject me, haha.  I really, really want to kiss her.  For real, not just on the cheek.  Lil old me still hasn't had her first kiss yet and it's killing me.  I really, really want to kiss her and just hold her hand and show her I appreciate her but I can't find her confidence.  Why did I have to get a girlfriend who is so much better than me?  I'm not jealous, and I'm not planning on holding her back, obviously, but I just wonder why she's with me.  I'm failing math, I'm gross and my laugh sounds like I'm choking, also I'm fat as hell, so why me?  She's in ALL HONORS CLASSES.  And she wins trophies in the Forensics club!!  Not to mention, she's an amazing writer and artist.  She's everything good that I am not.  I wish I could be like her.


	19. help, my gf is an asshole and my friend is dead.

my girlfriend blows up at me when im just trying to be nice and even though im feeling so much im just suppressing it and hahahaaha lmaoooooo that certainly wont come back to bite me in my ass later on when i finally explode with feelings. also, my friend has died in an accident and im not all that upset because ive learned to be cold when it comes to death hahahaha i am so tired of all this shit. merry christmas.


	20. E M O T I O N S, M A N.

In a rare show of emotion, I opened up to my girlfriend and told her about my shitty feelings and she was like "WOAH im sorry for making you feel that way, man" and im like "its cool" and then i may or may not have accidentally compared her to Victoria and shit man she got really determined and said, "I'd rather you leave me then become liker her. Tell me if I ever become her and then leave me." And I was like "shit man, she was a monster and you just made a lil mistake, i still love you." and now we're gucci and shit i completely opened up. man, i hope that doesnt bite me in the ass later on.


	21. A convo clip

GF) It's not gucci to bottle up your emotions,,,,,,,, y'all

Me) did you know that water is wet? i didn't know that either.

GF) water is technically not wet bc wet is the status of being soaked by water and water is not soaked by water because it's water. but yeah I get what you mean.

Me) fucking nerd, i hate you 

GF) :))))))


	22. The New Year

Hi everyone! Happy New Year! 

2017 was one of the best and worst years for me. I spent most of it with Victoria, fully believing that she wasn't hurting me. But, after spending the summer with my dad and finding out that she was cheating on me, I realized that she was. And it had shown in my attitude towards other people, my weight, and my grades. This will be my first full year without her, and I absolutely cannot wait to have a happy life now. So, of course, here are my resolutions!

1\. Lost 15 pounds

2\. Finish TaFTfE

3\. Get my first kiss

4\. Get the honor roll for at least one more quarter

5\. Have a role in Nathan's play

6\. Sing in front of a crowd

7\. See Be More Chill

8\. Learn how to do makeup

9\. Make even more friends!

And 10? Eradicate my depression

I think I can do all these :) Happy New Year, X and all my other readers!


	23. So.  Many.  Updates.

Woah, okay, I haven't updated in only nine days?  Who knew so much shit could happen in only nine days?  Okay, so let's get started.

We had snow!!! Nine inches, and I got sick from it but I have a long ass driveway so I still had to help shovel.  I'm still feeling some lasting effects of my cold, but eh, I'm doin' alright.  

Connor (my lovely acting teacher) made a post about how he might quit as acting director and lil old me had a fucking panic attack and screamed at the gf and the gf was like "???? what the fuck I am not going to tolerate this????"  and I was like "okay look look work with me here you fucking bitch dont scream at me im in the middle of a panic attack" and shes like "shit man shit just breathe im sorry"  and i have a TOTAL MEGA BREAKDOWN and im like "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah you should fuckking break up with me wah" and shes like "no id love you even if you were a horse."   Romance isn't dead, peeps.  We're really close, and I just asked her out to see the Spongebob musical aodhfaorhgaugh 

But Connor seems okay now!! I love him.

I got a lil music box that plays the Harry Potter theme from my old friend Pooja!  I love it, it's lovely.  But I still haven't gotten a gift from the gf yet... no birthday gift nor christmas gift....................... gf whut you doin...... 

Also, we just learned that Emma's death was not from an accident.  It was from a suicide, so that's lovely.  I haven't felt that way in a while, where I feel useless for not being able to save someone's life.  But, I'm okay.  I wasn't TOO close to her.  

Another great thing is from the time the acting group visited an old veteran's nursing home and we performed songs and made cards for them.  And, the veteran's home posted a picture of a card that I made as a thank you!!  I felt proud that my card was appreciated.  

Going back to the panic attack thing, I had a mini attack during class and it mustve looked like i was having a fucking seizure.  gf kept trying to put her hand on mine and i just felt ashamed, so i shrugged her off.  i really, really needed her hand, though.  but i just felt really ashamed to be in that state with no control over how i was.  she was only trying to help but i didnt know how to respond.  i love her, though.  shes always doing her best.  she's so smart, she's beautiful, she's talented, shes just..... i love her


	24. K ISS

lmao clickbait.

Ya girl still hasn't gotten her first kiss yet.  BUT!!! I HAVE KISSED HER chEEK FOR THE FIRST TIME AND I AM SHOOOK HER SKIN IS SO SOFT???????????????

I LOVE EHER and after I kissed her I accidentally screamed "YES I DID IT" and she was just ????? and I laughed and ran away giggling like an anime schoolgirl, it was lovely.

 

Also!!!! I learned why she hasn't gotten me a gift yet!

So she felt so guilty that her gift for me was late that she decided to get me MULTIPLE gifts, which I am so excited to see <3 <3 

 

Yay!!! I am in love.  ALso, I asked her out, so we're either going to see a movie or the spongebob musical or feed duccs, and I don't remember if I mentioned that in the last chapter or not but here it is lmao.  Toodles! <3


	25. Regarding my sexuality

"Jaya, you are so out, I don't even remember a time when you were still in." -My mom, during dinner

"Oh shit, sorry, I thought I came out to you already. I'm gay as fuck." 

"I don't believe you. You're not gay."   
"Right?? Seriously, it's annoying when people accuse me of being a lesbian. Even my girlfriend thinks I'm gay." 

"I'm a raging homosexual that loves pussy more than she loves herself. Suck my dick." 

"Well, I'm not a MODERN feminist. Feminism has become a term for people who justify degrading men, which I don't agree with. It doesn't mean equality anymore. Men should be equal to women, and saying you're above men is what makes you part of the problem. Hm? I'm only saying this because I love dick and being objectified by men? First of all, how dare you, and second of all, I'm a lesbian. I'm not attracted to men, and I'm still not a feminist. Talk to me again when you have a better argument. -My response to a girl in women's studies who overheard me saying how I wasn't a feminist

"Sorry, I wouldn't date you. I'm a lesbian"  
"So you're saying you wouldn't date me because I have a penis? That's so rude, you know."  
"Okay, WOW, go suck a dick, because obviously sexuality doesn't matter to you. I'll be on my girlfriend's lap."

"Mom.... I'm gay.... sorry for hiding this for so long..."  
"Jaya, you came out to me three years ago, am I missing something?" -Earlier last year on Nat. Coming Out Day

"I'M GAY, YOU KNOW!" -To my brother, making homophobic comments

"You know, I'm gay, AND I'm an atheist. I'm already going to hell, so what's so bad about trying weed and having an orgy with 30 women when I'm older? It won't make a difference after I'm dead." 

"So Jaya, have you ever had a girlfriend?"  
"W-What? Why would I have one of those..?"  
"Oh come ON, Jaya, you're CLEARLY a lesbian. Anyone can tell."  
".....who told you?? And how can you tell?? IS IT THE LEATHER JACKET?? I KNEW IT!!" 

"You know, Jaya, I think you'd be a top."  
"*Suppressing all my extremely (slightly bdsm) bottom thoughts* Yeah, I think so too." 

"Wtf why do YOU get to put your arm around me and do that fucking half smirk??"  
"Because I am the MAN in this relationship and it is my job to treat you right."  
"*Suppressing all my extremely (extremely submissive and pleased) bottom thoughts* What the fuck, that's gay." 

"*Can't find a flag to do the Pledge of Allegiance to* *Pulls out a picture of the pride flag.* I pledge allegiance, to the gay, of the united gays of gaymerica."

"Listen honey, don't mock me for having a girlfriend. I can say about 99% of girls and boys here are straight, which means you have a 99% chance of actually getting a boyfriend, in case your walnut brain couldn't figure that out. If I, a lesbian, was able to find a girlfriend FASTER THAN YOU, PART OF THE 99%, then that just shows how sad and fucking unattractive you are as a person."


	26. shit man, my girlfriend just broke up with me

"It feels like I'm dating my damn sister."

Fuck.


	27. I'm happy

I'm just happy she told me, y'know? She didn't cheat, she didn't start to randomly ignore me, she didn't be mean, nothing. She's a good person, and I respect her decision. She's still not in a good condition to be with someone, y'know? I'm glad she broke up with me, because now we can move on. We both knew this would end.

I just wish she didn't say she loved me the day she was planning to break up with me.


	28. An analysis of my feelings

I've noticed that I don't really feel genuine emotions all that much anymore.  I mean, sometimes I let my guard down, but that's rare and only if I'm having a panic attack or something.  I can't control what happens during a panic attack.  But, normally, I could scream at a person for hours and feel nothing no matter how much they cry.  I can laugh for a solid three minutes and even though my mouth and my body are moving, my chest hurts and feels hollow.  When Michelle broke up with me, my chest hurt profusely, but I didn't cry.  I scratched at my eyes to prompt myself to cry, but it didn't work.  My expression didn't even change.  I just murmured, "fuck," and instantly wrote down what happened on here.  When Emma died, I didn't cry either.  Or even feel sad.  I mean, I was able to comfort my friends that were sad, but I just pitied them for feeling upset.  My reaction to Michelle breaking up with me will most likely show in my actions.  I might not do my best on a test or two and I'll just stop talking to people.  She was the only one I could let my guard down around, and even then, I hid mostly everything from her.  Nobody knows the way I feel, not even me.  I can't put my feelings into words.  When I'm put into situations where I have to talk about my feelings, or when somebody is angry and screaming at me, I just stop feeling and I let them rant on while music plays in my mind.  Sometimes, I play horror games specifically so I can feel scared, or I'll look up a picture of a personal trigger so I can feel upset.  It's better to feel something negative than feel nothing, because at least then I can feel sort of real, not like I'm this thing floating around through space.  I pretend to be happy a lot.  Not because I'm depressed, but because I don't feel anything.  I don't know why I've just stopped.  I haven't cried in a long time and it's horrible.  It's like something is building up, this horrible pain in my chest is just building up, and I have no way of releasing it.  I don't feel.  Of course, I feel positive emotions.  Today, Nathan hugged me and kissed my head and I felt so good.  But as soon as I stop feeling happy, I go back to feeling nothing, which is awful.  I don't miss Michelle.  If she suddenly realized she liked me, I wouldn't go back to her.  But I still really, really like her.  I've liked her for years, even when I was dating Victoria I couldn't help but feel something.  I really, really, really like her.  But it honestly doesn't make a difference whether I'm with her or not because I can't feel it.  I don't genuinely love anyone right now, except for my dad, and he can be pretty cruel sometimes.  One time I left my bag behind at a friends house and he said, "Sometimes the amount of stupidity you have amazes me."  Oh!! Shit, I'm crying!!! YES!! I'm sad.  I feel very sad now, and my tears are allowing me to feel!  Shit, I need to stop being happy, because this is my time to realize how sad I am!  Oh man, the tears won't stop!  This is glorious!  But my face isn't changing.  The tears are just going.  My body isn't shaking, and oh no, the tears are starting to stop.  My chest is starting to hurt again, and I'm straining my eyes trying to cry.  Ah, there it goes.  The moment is lost.  


	29. Analysis of my feelings, part 2

I wonder if I need therapy, but the more I think about it, the more I don't think going will be very useful to me.  What would I talk about?  Would I ever be honest with my therapist?  I don't even know what being honest with feelings even means anymore.  Most of the time, I don't even think about how empty I still feel when I laugh.  And, nobody can tell I'm faking.  That's just how normal it is for me to pretend.  It doesn't hurt.  I don't think I'm depressed.   Yes, I'm messed up, but I don't think I'm depressed anymore.  I just have this constant empty, lonely feeling.  I think I'm lonely, but I only have myself to blame for that.  I distance myself from everyone I know.  Like I said, nobody knows what I feel because I always keep my mouth shut.  And I'm worried because if something particularly terrible happens to me, I don't think I'd have the courage to tell anyone about it.  I'd just sit and stay silent because I don't know how to talk to people.  I'm not close to anyone.  Yes, I love people, I think.  And they love me too.  But that does not mean we're close in any way.  I'm distant from everyone I know and it's so unbearably lonely.  I was getting close to a point of opening up with Michelle.  But now that we're no longer close, I'm back to square one.

So, I have an idea.

Requests.

I'd like to take a request or two, or three, for something to talk about.  Like a Q and A of sorts.  Something that can ease my loneliness that I'll undoubtedly face now that I've lost the person I'm closest to.  Please, talk to me.  Ask me shit, suggest a topic, anything.  I need to open up.  I'm tired of feeling nothing.


	30. The very first request!!!

Let's give it up for my buddy over here by the alias of X!!

X wrote, "did michelle say she didn’t want to be close anymore just because she didn’t want to be your girlfriend anymore???? if so that’s a really mean thing to do...... she should still be your friend even if your not together anymore!! um, i know i might not have much to offer and i have no idea about what you’re experiencing, but if it helps, i guess i’ll request something!!! could you write about what you think you’re going to do once you have to go back to school tomorrow???"

Alright, so let's get to it!

So, Michelle did not say that she didn't want to be close anymore.  In fact, she still wants to help me with my problems.  BUT, that doesn't mean that we are close.  We're no longer close, no matter what she would want.  She wants to be close, and I want to be close, but not in this awkward state where we just broke up with one another.  Not yet, at least.  (I hope.)

 

My day at school tomorrow!  

It'll start off with me going to Biology and learning about the animal kingdom, and how all living organisms are scientifically classified into different groups.  It's a lot more fun than it seems.

Then, weight room in gym class.  I'll impress everybody by being able to lift more than the boys can because I've been working out for years.  My muscles are getting nice, man.  

English!  Reviewing for midterms.

Chorus!!  Sight reading, and practicing to sing in different languages for a thing called NISMA, where you perform in front of judges.  I'll be singing an Italian opera song, I can't wait.  Sight reading is being able to know your notes just by reading the paper alone.  Like, how the other notes sound in relation to the first note.  It can be pretty complicated.

History!  I must be prepared to receive a failed grade on my Arabia test because I went in there having no clue that we were taking a test holy shit.

Acting!  First time seeing Michelle after we broke up.  I still have no clue if I'll sit next to her or not, and I don't know which will make things less awkward.

Spanish!  Zone out completely.  I don't even have a binder for that class because it is way too easy.  I get 100's on every test and if I skip class, my teacher won't care because he loves me.

Lunch!  I probably won't eat and will spend it listening to music.

Math!  More review for midterms.

After school, I will go to the gym with my dad and my stepmom and work out.  Then I'll go home at 6 and do my homework.  

  
Sorry if I bored you, but getting a request was very exciting.  Thank you, X.  Take a bow!


	31. Analysis of my feelings, part 3

Welcome back to another episode of Jaya's Fucked Up Feelings!! How are you all doing tonight??  
Okay, so first more stuff about Michelle.  
I know I always talked about how much I loved her, but the truth is, I never loved her. I'm too young to love. I did like her though, but never anything more than that. I threw the word "love" around like it was candy. So did she. She never even really liked me, she said in her infamous break up text. It was just a minor crush. For me, it was a full on crush that I've harbored for years. But I never loved her, so the break up has really had no effect on me. I repeat: All this shitty loneliness is not because of the break up. It was a wake up call that made me realize just how lonely I am. I was even lonely when I was with her, just not as much. I've been lonely for a while, but at least I used to have a shoulder to lean on every once in a while when I would start to slip. Now that's gone. I'm not really close to people at school. Yes, I'm friends with them, but they don't know me at all. In fact, nobody knows me more than X, because they've been reading my direct thoughts. And, they're confusing, even for me. I usually don't try to analyze my feelings, I just push them into a corner and make them disappear. Unintentionally, of course. I don't mean to feel nothing, it just happens. I hate it, but I think it's a defense mechanism. It damn well works, but I'd rather let someone hurt me than feel nothing. I don't feel real right now. I feel like I'm far away from people, like I'm trapped in this horrible bubble that keeps me from talking. Shit, I'm not okay. I'm very lonely. I wish I could open up and scream my feelings once and for all at some poor soul's face until I run out of them. I want to lose them forever and get them out of me. I want to let people know I'm not okay, so they can stop bullying me and they can ask me little things like how I'm feeling and, God, I want them to understand me. I want them to look at me and really know me, I don't want to keep up this facade of a happy, tough girl. That's how people know me and it's this persona that sometimes I don't recognize. But, how? How do I go out there and be an honest, raw version of me? I will draw a picture for/of anyone who can give me a fucking answer, and that's a promise.


	32. CHANGING MY PSEUDS

yall, i just realized that there are some people who know my pseuds and the point of a pseud is that NO ONE KNOWS you so i came up with some new edgy names i hope you enjoy 

 

small souls scream the loudest - just some edgy personal quote i came up with on the spot

 

TalkIsOverrated - blackbear album and song


	33. A concerning thought

I've thought about cutting myself again.  

Yeah, it's starting to tempt me, specifically because people have been mentioning it constantly and bringing up memories I've tried to forget.  For example, Michelle begged me to play the game Doki Doki Literature Club, and for anyone who knows Yuri, you know what I mean.  I'm still pissed at Michelle for making me see something like that.  Also, she drew a picture and posted it, and it showed a man with so many cuts that his arm was almost entirely red.  Sejal, my friend in acting, had a monologue of a girl that self-harmed.  She rolled up her sleeves and everything, she's such a good actress.

So, yeah.  I've started thinking about it. 

The feeling I got when I would cut.. it was like I was floating.  It could have been from the slight blood loss, or just the high I got once the pain subsided.  Whatever the case, it was the greatest and unhealthiest coping method I've ever used.  I told everyone I only cut twice, but I did it hundreds of times.  I'd give myself a different cut on a different part of my body each night.  My arms, my thighs, even the back of my neck once, where I knew no one would see it.  

But, it killed me when my mom found out.

Instead of sending me off to the nearest therapist, she sent me to school in a t-shirt with no sweater as a punishment.  Let that sink in for a minute.

Imagine walking to school with your arms all sliced up, something you've finally found the strength to tell your mom about, and she feels the need to punish you by sending you off to school and letting everyone see.  Now do you understand why I still don't like her?

There was this kid that said, "Hey, you!  Sideways for attention, longways for results!"  simply because I cut sideways.  So, realizing he was right, I started cutting longways.  That was the point where I went to a hospital.

 

So, I don't have a good history with cutting, and I'm fucking pissed at Michelle for bringing it up so much.  When did it come from her slowly rolling up my sleeves to check for scars, to her flashing drawings around where she knows I can see them?  What the fuck is wrong with her?  Is she trying to hurt me?  Does she know what this does to me?  Rhetorical question, that last one.  She knows exactly how triggered I get when I see a simple picture of cuts on an arm.  She knows EXACTLY what it does, and yet, and yet.. 

I'm not talking to her for a while.  I'm not talking to anybody.  At this point, I'm done.  I'm so upset, and I want to cut so badly.  I want to ruin my skin that has spent so much time trying to heal from past scars. 

God, help me.


	34. A new story is coming, my dudes

Hey y'all.  This morning, on my way to school, I was violently hit by the inspiration bus so another story will be on the way.

It will be an original story!

 

Concept:  A homophobic, transphobic boy falls in love with this girl who is transitioning into a boy.  

 

i hope y'all will enjoy that shit


	35. fuck fuck fuck fuck

i accidentally messaged victoria

i cant stop shaking, i think im having an attack

i had no clue it was her

fucking hell


	36. a wonderful update.

Never in my life did I think I'd be a freshman in the backseat of a car with three hot senior boys driving home from a party at 11:00 at night. Oh yeah, and one of them had their arm around me.  
But, let's explain how we got there.   
Morale A.C.T event at a laser tag place!! Remember good old buddy Zach? He sees me and gives me an amazing hug. Then he asks how things are going with Michelle, so I told him that she broke up with me (OVER. TEXT.) and he said, "wow, that's REALLY shitty" so then he forced me to talk to him and I go "Nooooooo.... no talking..... no..." but then in 5 seconds BAM I'm explaining in detail just how shitty I percieve my life to be. I told him how I don't feel real, and how I changed myself to feel normal, etc. Do you know what he said? He said, "Well this is the Jaya I know: Loving, so happy, a beautiful smile, sexy, such a talented singer, and a girl who loves to have fun." I knew I really, really loved Zach at that moment. I told him almost everything, and I even started to cry. I haven't cried in front of anyone in months... and the moral of the story is that I OPENED UP. FINALLY!! Now, I must cling to him like a disease until he gets tired of me and I must find another host to stick to.   
On the way home, Zach drove me, Joe, and Anthony around and played Abba songs, it was lovely. I took pictures with all of them.   
I'll tell you more tomorrow, but I am so tired I can barely think. Goodnight...


	37. y'all... y'all...

check out my deviantart pls i just uploaded some of my favorite art

my account is"MissDementedCookie"


	38. Hey everyone!

I'd like you all to check out my poetry series.  It'll be technically like this work, except in edgy poetry form.


	39. A little gift for all my readers, especially X.

Here is a playlist of my favorite songs, as a gift to those who have stuck with this story for so long. Thank you so much for supporting me.  
https://open.spotify.com/user/missdementedcookie/playlist/3tr3YicJxvXlntQ3XoLSK9?si=7uJqABmSSEGkDLwq8BvT1Q  
Feel free to check out my other playlists


	40. Golly golly gosh

Hey everyone! Okay, so here's the story.  
I've been opening up like crazy. I talked to Zach about my problems, and ever since then he's been nothing but supportive. He introduced new people to me to help me out, and I appreciate it so much.  
I've been feeling a lot, lately. It's scary, and it's overwhelming. But, I think things will be better this time. I no longer have a reason to block out emotions, so I shouldn't get hurt by feeling them.   
But all in all, I've been really depressed. On Saturday, I was able to cry for an entire hour straight. But, I had Zach to help me. I swear, if we weren't gay, I'd date the hell out of him.

That's all for now!  
READ MY POEM ANTHOLOGY FOR CHRIST'S SAKE JUST CLICK MY PROFILE IT'S RIGHT THERE. LEAVE A COMMENT OR TWO, YOU FUCKS.


	41. just a reminder

hey, fuckers.

in case you forgot,  
i'm a depressed piece of shit.

an actual comment or some sort of recognition would be nice.

in case you haven't realized or thought about it,  
i write here because i have nobody outside of here.  
i have nobody except you guys.

so show some empathy once in a while.


	42. hey everyone.

i'm going to start to try out male pronouns.


	43. this is my second time rewriting this bc my computer is slow af

Hey y'all!  Godspell is finished!! We spent 5 months on this play and here it is!  [Here!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZGJ3ab34zk) I'm the girl in the beanie who starts off "God... almighty..."  I hope you enjoy!  

 

Mentally, I've been doing so much better.  I'm surrounded by support that's almost overwhelming.  People are always talking to me and I feel so loved.  Today, Joe told me I was perfect and Zach gave me a hug.  Rowan also hugged me and I got chocolate from some random boy.  My stepmom, my dad, my friends, and even my mom are trying to help me out with my issues.  I've ditched the whole male pronoun thing, by the way.  Wasn't meant for me.  I was so depressed that I was searching for any option at all to feel good in my own skin, and I'm sorry if I offended any trans folks, I really am, but male pronouns just weren't right for me.  Even if I do still feel uncomfortable in my body.  I'm going to go to a psychiatrist later who may or may not put me on medication, and I'm ready for it if need be.  I have very depressing thoughts for no reason and I am openly seeking help, which I think is important and pretty good for me.  Have a great Valentine's Day, everyone!


	44. would you like to meet zach and joe?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHZEURcFWs8


	45. The significance of having short hair

So, cutting off my hair was an impromptu decision, but now that I think about it, it has made a huge impact on my self-esteem. All my life, I've hid behind my long hair. I would cover my large chest with it, I would cover the fat on my back, I would even use it to cover up my face. But now, my hair barely touches my shoulder. In other words, my large chest, my flabby back, and my large cheeks have no protection. No shield. They're forced to be out there and be seen by the public. And you know what? Aside from the fact that I look like Veronica Sawyer now, I love this freedom so much. My body is seen by others now, and people have been showering me with compliments. Shield or not, I am very much loved. So, why bother to put up protection if people still love you? I find it too tiring now.


	46. Progress report

Hello everyone! How are you all?   
So, I went to see a therapist, who I thought was a psychiatrist who could finally shove Xoloft down my throat, but no, she didn't prescribe medicine. I talked things out with her, basically everything I've told you, and I will be seeing her again in 6 days. I'm a lot less stressed out, which is lovely, and I'm very happy that today is Friday and I don't have to spend it at Godspell rehearsals! Oh yeah, here in New York, it's hailing like crazy. All after-school things were banned today!  
There have been a lot of safety procedures regarding the school shooting, and it's a lot harder to get around nowadays because most of the doors are closed. It takes a very long time to get to my classes. And God, the smell of sweat is just awful.  
I've started rewatching Inuyasha! I'm already almost on episode 80. I tried watching it 4 years ago but gave up because of all the filler, but I retried watching it and I realized just how amazing it was!   
I'm currently working on a drawing of Leon Kuwata from Dangonronpa, so check my deviantart when I say it's up!  
Julia and I got into a fight again because she's a little bitch who I realized I'm not compatible with.   
I still like Michelle. I actually looked at her in the middle of class and blanked out because I thought she was so beautiful??? I've never stopped talking because I thought someone was so beautiful. I'm starting to think, or maybe just hope, that she likes me back. It could just be that she thinks of me as a sister, though. It's horrible knowing that the one you like cares about you in every way but a romantic way. Hell, she's even in the middle of drawing a picture of me. I hope I stop liking her soon. 

That's all there is to me. Hope future me reading this is either dating Michelle or doesn't like her anymore. Bye!


	47. jesus, it's been so long! JANZ TIME

Hello you guys!  Soooo much has happened!

 

So, read back the past chapters.  Remember when I wrote about this boy who dressed up as Sasuke at a Halloween party?  Yeah, now he's my husband.  

Let me explain.

Nick was the lead in Godspell, playing Jesus, and I got to see him perform.  He's a wonderful dancer, singer, actor, shit he's in Carnegie Mellon University.  He's very talented.  I admire him so much, and during Cinderella, I told my friends about it.  I only told the three friends.  They all thought I had a crush on him and started calling him "Jaya's manz" which got shortened to "Janz."  Janz became our huge joke.  Everytime I saw him, I would freeze up and pretend to swoon and sigh and all that.  Eventually, they found out I was gay, and that made the joke even funnier.  He even walked on a prop staircase and I started hugging it.  Anyway, after weeks of having the joke amongst friends, eventually the ENTIRE CAST OF CINDERELLA FOUND OUT ABOUT IT.  They thought I had the biggest crush on him!!  By the way, Nick was Prince Topher, even better.  At this point, he still didn't know.  But everyone else knew and started shipping us!  So I started to make memes about it, taking pictures of him and adding text saying how gorgeous he is.  Cause man, he's handsome as hell.  Anyway, somebody eventually spilled the beans and he found out a couple of days ago.  And guess what??? He fucking loved it.  I was embarrassed as shit and he loves it.  So there's actually a video of him calling me into a room and I'm like "HOLY SHIT GET ME OUT OF HERE" and as I'm running away BAAM HE HUGS ME IN HIS AMAZING HUG and I swear, everyone starts cheering because their ship is coming true.  Meanwhile, I'm hyperventilating because HOLY SHIT MY IDOL IS HUGGING ME so I don't know what to do so I scream "My husband!!" and he screams, "My wife!!"  And we both cheer!  He actually looks at Mr. Connor and says, "Hi Connor, this is my wife!!"  And I'm DYING INSIde IM ACTUALLY SCREAMING and people are asking me if im okay and HOLY SHIT I AM MORE TAHN OKAY I AM PERFECT and people are asking him how he feels and he just says "great man lmao" and that's the story of Janz!  It's a huge joke in all of A.C.T and everyone loves it.  As we speak, my friend Mollie is planning a wedding.  

On a more serious note, I actually love Nick.  NOT IN THAT WAY, but I really do love him.  Just being around him makes me extremely happy, he just lights people up.  I wish I could be as talented as him.  Here is him performing in Cinderella: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CX3Vh3V-6KE He has the voice of an angel.  He's really a lovely person.  I get so happy just thinking about him.  I'm smiling the entire time I'm writing this, I idolize him.  A part of me honestly wonders if I do like him, but the more I think about it, the more I think otherwise.  I just really admire him and his talent and kindness.  


	48. the true janz interaction

just in case you thought i was joking about the video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CX3Vh3V-6KE


	49. so im not gay

so i actually do like nick (big surprise)

 

i love how i just like girls all my life and then this little bitch comes along to ruin everything ive ever known about myself, like fuck you, who gave you the right to put me through this existential crisis?

 

i love him.  i want to kiss him, but i know i have no chance because he's a senior.  i actually told his brother that i like nick because he asked me and he goes "yeah, i thought so."

 

like literally, why did this have to happen.  it all just started as a joke.  i didn't think i'd actually love the little dick.

 

god dammit.  say hello to your new bi companion.  


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